The slow race to transformation

8 years ago to the week my life changed forever.

I had no idea what was in front of me as I moved through a psychotic episode and caught the attention of friends and health care professionals alike.

8 years ago this week, after over 6 months in psychosis, I began to see that this episode of intensity was not in fact a gift, but an obstacle to overcome.

I started to see that I was not the second coming of christ, here to save the world and everything within it. That I had not been chosen to bring the new world forward and share with everyone the visions that saturated my mind – I will admit, its a bit of a drag to come to and learn that you’re not in fact Jesus Christ, oh well haha

8 years ago this week I met with a mental health professional and was admitted to the psych ward. Some anti psychotic drugs and psychiatry appointments later, I came back to reality, but it wasn’t over there and its certainly not over now.

If I wanted to live my best life I had to invest in a long term care plan.

If I want to live my best life I have to invest in my long term care plan.

Recovery isn’t instantaneous, its not a reachable end point or a ribbon cut.

Its waking up every day and dedicating my energy to trying harder, smarter and stronger than the day before.

On our recent trip to Rome I had a terrifying nightmare. As I drifted into a deep sleep I heard voices taking me back. Voices that told me I was returning to the power of ambiguity.

The space of several interpretations and realities.

I then awoke, however I didn’t wake up in real life. I awoke in my dream, surrounded by doctors and flashing lights telling me it happened again, but this time there was no return.

Caught in the elasticity of my minds confines, I couldn’t tell which way was up and the many voices surrounding me were torturous in their tone.

I awoke, in real life now, and I was bawling my eyes out. Scared at the very thought of walking that path again.

Knowing that I’m only ever a bad day away from delusion can be a pressure intensive way to live, but every day is a chance to live as me, exactly who I am, in the exact world I should exist in.

Looking back on the last 8 years I know there will never be a day when I say ’hurrah, I’m cured. Now lets put this whole nightmare behind me’.

But everyday I know that by working hard and listening to my heart that I am on the path to greatness and greatness, after all, takes time.

xo

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