I made it through, all the way through to the other end of that depression. Uuuuft.
That was hellish.
Although I caught myself, or should I say checked myself, before inevitably wrecking myself, It’s still tough to take. How can it get that bad? When? Why? – I’m filled with query post episode.
Things completely spiraled, and all of the fabrics of it still bewilder me.
One thing I am extremely proud of, is that I did in fact take action when it was needed. That’s a first.
I’m in a good place now. My psychiatrist doubled my risperidone intake and it seems to have done the trick. I’m not yet onto the rainbows and sunshine of it all, but i’m good. I’m siting on the 3-4 region of the mood chart and well, can’t really complain.
I’ve made peace with the fact that I am taking time off school. Health really does come first and I can’t beat myself up about it any more.
Hell, I’ve even managed some good ol socializing time over the past week and boy has that made me feel super good. It’s shite though, at the time I feel all down, like its a total push outside my comfort zone and 5 mins in i’m loving it. Breaking that barrier is half the battle for me I guess. The get up and go of it all.
My therapist and I have been talking about how I see and sometimes talk about myself. Like there are two people. Old me and new me. Pre psychosis and post psychosis. It really broke me down to the bare bones, stripping everything away, and rebuilding is hard. From the really small things like going up and down stairs to the makeup of my ego, it’s all taken time and will continue to do so. Trusting your thoughts and behaviours when they bare faced lied to you for so long is a challenging task.
Will I ever fully trust my thoughts again? How much time is this illness going to take from me? Will she come back? Is new me better?
Mmmm, i’ma stop contemplating my world now haha