Uuuft

I had some stark realizations this week. A mix of thoughts, dreams and deep feelings circling around the 6 months just passed and the 6 months ahead.

December really took me off track and I don’t think I truly understood how bad it had gotten.

Today I had 3 full meals for the first time since we lost Millie.

I didn’t truly understand how bad it had gotten.

The grief pulled me down so deep.

I lost sight of any goals or bigger visions and took few opportunities to find joy.

Hindsight in this case is leaving me in awe of how oblivious I have been.

I didn’t truly understand how bad it had gotten.

I’ve never experienced pet loss before and that was heavy enough in itself, but it also brought back some repressed feelings and memories from my past. It felt like everything just compounded into a stadium wide rock garden, attached to my ankle.

It all happened so fast too, there was barely room to process before saying goodbye.

On the Friday of that weekend I decided to skip a couple of Christmas parties and stay on the sofa snuggling the dogs. Millie threw up after dinner and was showing signs of discomfort. At the vet the next morning, she got some X-rays taken and was rushed to the emergency room. Within 3 hours we were told she had cancer in every organ of her body. Saying goodbye was gut wrenching but she was in too much pain, any other option would have been selfish on our part.

That Sunday was the longest day of my life and things just fell apart from there.

The first thing to take a hit was our diet. Skipping meals, eating out. I stopped being consistent with water intake, supplements and exercise.

Then we started drinking more than usual.

The sofa became my best friend.

If I put my head down into my work everyday for a few hours, it wouldn’t be that long till I could get back on the sofa, staring in a dissociative fashion at the empty space beside me in the blankets and crying at the loss of my little angel.

This week for the first week since then, I haven’t cried every day.

And then when I realized that, I cried a bunch.

Because it felt like I must be forgetting her.

And so recalibrating my thought process there has taken some time.

It’s getting easier, but I will never forget her ♥️

Part of the messages I’ve been feeling this week were things I needed to hear. Reminders that I have more work to do and the importance of that.

Ive not come this far to forget all the things I’ve learned along the way.

I’m not letting this fall drag me backwards.

Now that I can recognize all the things I’m using against my wellness, it’s time to step up and use the things I know will support my wellness.

I owe it to myself xo

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