And it has.
I don’t know why this is. Well actually, I know that I struggle with writing when I am doing “OK”. I get trapped in my own self defeat and doubt, the fear that no one wants to read what I have written. That no ones cares for the shit I am putting out. I do write, but it goes no further than a word document. I want to write more, but I struggle with creative thoughts. I’m stuck.
I should be happy that I am doing OK, but instead my anxious mind is in torment. Premeditating my downfall. The time when I go back to that depression, or instead, hit up some mania. Its coming, I can feel it. I just don’t know when and it scares me. So much so, that I actually think I would be happier sitting at a moderately depressed place. I would gladly dabble in some hypomania.
I know I’m not making much sense. I don’t particularly want to be back there, but ‘normal’ is so strange to me, so far away from my own normal.
Anyhooozles. . I am actually doing ok. I have been on such a high since mid December. Well, since mum came to visit. Then the festivities, the new year, starting back school, my birthday. It has all been a whirlwind. Again, a whirlwind that I am terrified of coming down from. Where does it end?
It’s not like I have been super happy the whole time. Saying goodbye to mumma after a short visit was gut wrenching. I miss her so much. It has however made me realize that I have to start coping better on my own. Not relying on my mum, my friends, my room mates. Finding a way to be happy han solo, then everything else is just a bonus right?
I used to be that person. I was captain independent. I always had been. I was raised that way. Sadly in the past few years I lost the ability to function on my own. It makes me sad.
Hopefully I can change my ways before they change me.
Hopefully things won’t continue to stay quiet.