After a couple of years travelling I returned to Glasgow with the plan of getting qualifications and hitting the road again.
I was pretty lost and managed to get myself into a bit of a rut.
I’m not proud of who I was at all.
I had never really had a large circle of friends. I was bullied in school and kinda bounced around friend circles depending on my mood, but somehow when I returned to Glasgow in 2008, I had the biggest circle of friends I ever had. More than a few of them were just ‘drinking buddies’, but some of them were wonderful people.
If I had the chance, I would tell them all how sorry I was for my behaviour back then. I spun back and fourth between manic and depressed. My anger was out of control and I was often known as the bitch of the group. I just couldn’t hold my tongue sometimes and when I thought someone was, or was going to be rude to me or my new friends, the defences came up and I struck first. This was in a bid to avoid being ridiculed or bullied but it was not healthy. The walls I had built left me with a very lonely existence, even with all these people around me. I pushed people away and rarely spoke of my emotions, even though I was in complete despair, self harming and suicidal.
My lifestyle back then wasn’t helping my mental health in any way but it was a crutch for me. A way to make it through another day. Another drink, another party, another late night. I really don’t know how I managed to hold down multiple jobs and complete a college course, but I did! And I’m proud of that. I don’t know where I would be today if I hadn’t of gotten those qualifications and gotten out.
We dabbled in ecstasy back then and I know it is an effect of the drug, but I felt so much love and happiness when I took it. It was like I had no worries at all and I was flooded with positive emotions. Which was quite new to me and it became a bit of an indulgence every so often. I wouldn’t say I had a problem in any way, but I did do it quite a few times.
I actually think drugs like ecstasy and mushrooms should be (and currently are being) used in mental illness therapy. The fact that they produce such positive moods and allow you to detach from trauma is astounding. Obviously, in smaller and more controlled doses. We have a ways to go in research but I think we are on the right track. Last year my doctor recommended that when larger trials begin that I to put my name down. He thinks it will really help my recovery from PTSD.
After completing my college course, I accepted a job offer in London and moved away from the life I had built in Glasgow.
As much as I get a slight shiver when I look back on this time in my life, I still wouldn’t change it. Again, I would change my reactions to things 100%, but in the end, it all led me to here.